Ah, the 1980s and 90s: a time so blissfully analog that even your Tamagotchi had to deal with the harsh realities of life without a charger. Back in the day, when you left the house, you were gone—no text alerts or social media notifications haunting you like a bad case of mullet regret. The only kind of “ghosting” we did was when we skated around the neighborhood after school, avoiding the predator known as “homework.” If you wanted to know where your friends were, you either yelled their names into the void (good luck with that) or just showed up at the local 7-Eleven and hoped for the best, risking a confrontation with that terrifying lady who worked the cash register and loomed like a guardian of the Slurpee machine.
Let’s not forget about vehicles that didn’t come equipped with GPS—because why have the convenience of technology when you can drive around aimlessly in your dad’s ’87 Chevy Astro van with a map that could double as a medieval scroll? It was all part of the coming-of-age experience, grappling with the unsettling realization that you were lost. But hey, at least we had mix tapes, expertly crafted with every preteen yearning, filled with the sweet tunes of Bryan Adams and debauchery in a high school gymnasium. Today’s youth wouldn’t survive a single road trip without their Spotify playlists. “What do you mean I can’t cue up ‘Eye of the Tiger’ on demand?!” They’d probably have to keep their mouths shut for five whole minutes while we fumbled around with a cassette deck—the horror!
Now let’s talk about “fashion.” If you want proof that we’re all a little bit broken on the inside, just Google “80s fashion.” We wore neon leg warmers with no sense of irony, and we paired acid-wash jeans that could probably stand up on their own with oversized T-shirts featuring our favorite cartoon characters. Fun fact: if you ever wanted to make a big statement, just slap on a pair of Zubaz pants—because nothing screams “responsible adult” like pants that could double as a circus tent. And don’t even get me started on the hair. Our hairstyles were so big they probably had their own ZIP codes and opinions on politics. Take that, contemporary hairstyles that require “personal grooming.”
So, here’s to surviving an era when we had to actually use our brains instead of mindlessly scrolling through TikTok to get our dopamine fix. We conquered the world of VHS tapes, landlines, and a bizarre lack of parental oversight, all while trading pogs at recess. Yes, we were wild, carefree kids who calculated the odds of getting a foul ball at a baseball game by actually going to the stadium instead of watching it on our OLED screens. We may have come out slightly worse for wear—but honestly, who wouldn’t trade a smartphone for another night of Texas Hold ’Em with pizza rolls and a ghost story or two? Cheers to the days when both the “no phone zone” not meant for texting and the thrill of wondering if your friends were actually home after a long day was worth the journey, however hairy it got.