Ah, the good old days of the 80s and 90s, when life was simpler, and the only thing that could crash faster than your cassette player was your social life after trying to impress someone at a roller rink. Back then, our greatest technological dilemma was whether to blow on a Nintendo cartridge or use the power of prayer to get it to work. Seriously, you could practically hear the angels singing when “Super Mario Bros.” finally loaded without that irritating black screen. These days, kids don’t even know the soul-crushing despair of having to actually maintain your own music collection instead of streaming everything with a touch of their thumbs. I mean, have they ever tried to find that one hit wonder you loved — something like “I’m Too Sexy”? A dance around a roommate's box of tapes was a rite of passage.
Let’s talk fashion, shall we? In a world where neon spandex ruled, I practically wore enough scrunchies to start a hair accessory store. You’d think we were all training to be aerobics instructors while, in reality, we were just trying to make our mothers proud (with varying success). And what about the iconic high-top sneakers? My mom even made me take “weekend sneaker” etiquette courses. If she had only known that the kids playing “Duck Hunt” in my living room were truly on the brink of revolutionizing the art of wearing socks with sandals. And please, let’s not forget the oversized flannel shirts that could easily double as blankets. Who knew being dressed for comfort would one day lead to fashion trends that believe “the bigger, the better”?
Speaking of comfort, can we take a moment to appreciate the delightful blend of VHS tapes and Blockbuster weekends? Sure, Disney was okay for the kids, but let’s get real: nothing screamed “sleepover” louder than the desperate parent asking if you wanted to watch “The Goonies” for the sixth time or hoping the neighbor’s Wi-Fi password was “ATariForever.” These days, getting the right entertainment requires subscriptions I can’t even pronounce. Why can’t we make “Netflix and chill” as simple as “hey, bring your boxed copy of “The Lion King” so we can cry over cartoon lions under the same VHS tape we watched when we were 10"?
Fast forward to today, and look at us, clutching our smartphones as if they contain the entire knowledge of the universe, while simultaneously mourning our beloved 90s TV shows that have, tragically, been replaced by an endless stream of reality shows that make our old lives look like Shakespearean dramas. So here’s to the real nostalgia: when our biggest heartbreak was a broken Walkman, and our biggest accomplishment was discovering the code for infinite lives on “Contra.” If only we could scroll back through time to when the only thing on our minds was figuring out how to not get stuck in someone's basement while playing “Mortal Kombat.” Cheers, you magnificent, mullet-wearing legends.