Ah, the golden era of the '80s and '90s. A glorious time when the hottest thing on the market wasn’t a smartphone, but a cassette tape deck, and the only Wi-Fi we knew about came from a nearby coffee shop that no one had the patience to patronize. Back then, hanging out meant sitting on your friend’s front stoop, passing around a pack of Hubba Bubba gum, and trying desperately to ignore the fact that your dad's car was out front—cringing at the thought of him interrupting your "cool" vibe.
Let’s take a moment to remember the real agony: an actual phone—instead of the multi-functional mini-computers we can’t seem to live without—was tethered to a wall by a curly cord, only allowing us to pace approximately three feet away. Phone tags were extensive, often requiring you to enlist your best friend in the covert mission to find out whether your crush liked you back. And if you were really feeling wild, you’d crank out a letter on your trusty typewriter (because, of course, we had to save the tree-hugging for the next millennium) and deliver it via the friend who had the coolest bike. Can’t believe we survived without emojis, am I right?
But, let’s not forget the sheer joy of dial-up internet signaling our transition into a digital world, accompanied by sounds that could only be described as a rabid cat being strangled. Why slowly scroll through Instagram when you could wait five minutes for a single Yahoo! email to appear to inform you that your crush didn’t even read your message? Oh, those were the days of “you’ve got mail,” ramping up your heart rate and then promptly letting you down.
Now these kids today can only grip their slim gadgets and endlessly scroll through TikTok, while we reminisce about a time when making plans meant actually making them. You know, like meeting up at the mall food court to feast on greasy Orange Julius and pretzels large enough to put a carb-lover in a coma. "Food court rendezvous" is now just a Yelp review and yet, somehow, we’re supposed to feel connected in an online web of “friends” we barely recognize?
So here’s to the dreamers who still reminisce about that glorious freedom of indeterminate plans, shoelace keychains, and the thrill of not knowing whether or not you'd run into a crush at the mall shop. As we sink deeper into the digital abyss of social media, let’s at least pretend we’re still the cool kids blasting music from a boombox while we haggle over which movie to rent at Blockbuster, whilst wearing neon leg warmers and struggling with the crimping iron for that perfect 'do. Ah, nostalgia—our bittersweet escape from the relentless scroll.